Authentic

Living requires pretending.

Each day .

If you resent pretending , life gets difficult and confusing .

If you hold on to your authentic self , things become hard.

But as living requires pretending , you will still pretend.

Pretend …. to be okay.

The Come Back

Almost a year and a half ago I silently decided that words cannot soothe me anymore . I stopped blogging .

The world moved ahead without any complains . Oblivious. Comfortable. Indifferent . I turned attention to dealing with the difficult times and climbing the mountains I needed to climb .

I found fear and despair. I found the impossibility of tasks . I found people who dragged me down . But I also found a friend . An unlikely person who came back in my life after years.

I held onto the enthusiasm of this ‘friend’ whose words had once caused a lot of pain in the past ( but that time we hardly knew each other ). I had held the hurt secretly wondering why she belittled me when I was holding my medals of success. Why such unkindness ? It had stung and hurt and I felt so defeated despite my hard earned success. Her words stole the joy of my win. But that was eons ago, we both have aged and changed and probably she was never aware how her words hurt me . I overlooked the younger days and became a friend and a partner in the task. We did well and even enjoyed the journey to conquer humongous task .We were so sure of success .

But sadly we failed . The failure so unexpected and so disheartening.

It was hard to try again yet she pushed me till we both started again. We marched ahead with repaired enthusiasm. But my year was hard and full of personal and professional hardships . I worked sincerely but I felt little hope . It seemed darkest before the final steps and I was sure of failing . But then miraculously I performed and I succeeded . Sadly she was left behind . I stood with mixed emotions trying to be there for her and also realising the irony of the words she said years ago and how karma had played . She had no malice in her heart now but the debt she had to pay still. She is unaware of it as I never told her how she hurt me . Once again my success didn’t feel as good .

Interestingly more success came along for me and somehow we are still friends . Amidst all this hard work , uncertainty and unexpected outcomes I started feeling I have finally lost touch with myself . As if I am living someone else’s life . I should be happy as my hard work spanning years has started bearing fruit. Instead I feel something amiss.

This perhaps is a signal that I must return to this space which is wholly mine .

So I am back….. to write again and to blog .

The Difficult times

Hard times always made it easier for me to write. The one place I could feel better when everything goes haywire. It comforted and made me hopeful . But this time things have changed. I have changed. The difficult times have made me lose this ability to find clarity through words. I am losing my words . Perhaps it is a part of getting older . The point where one realises that words can do as much . That learning the ways of the world is the only way to survive . That my survival kit has exhausted its relevance.