Sick days and memory

I had almost forgotten of this space where I expressed myself. Blogging started more than a decade ago and I loved to post. I thought I would grow as a writer and perhaps write a full-length something sooner or later. Life took its own pace and the work ate up this space . Not by its amount or tough nature but because I could no longer find the courage to keep at this endeavour of expressing to an empty space . Today when I sit in my room quietly while I recoup from a minor but tiring sickness , I remembered this space. The fact that this is a lost space where I am not being scrutinised by anyone and also its not shut away from the world like my journal.That I am still opening up to the world . It seems like a perfect place to express myself again .

I would not feel that I am hiding and also I would not be seen .

I went through my posts and I realised that I am the person I am right now looking for. My words showed me that even though I cannot remember a good thing about life right now, I had piled up all the possibilities and offerings of this world in this space. I reminded myself that I have been a spark , dynamic and hopeful of great things . The last decade showed me what depressingly challenging adulthood is . The lies we are being told as children have revealed themselves one by one . The long hours of work have failed to give me any satisfaction. The medication is taking over and I am groggy but I am happy that the illness has slowed me to down and helped me come back here. I want to and need to write again and fill my heart . I am glad for this blog because I had almost forgotten me. This is a day for recovering memories of who I used to be.

#Day 53 :’ The Lizards ‘instead of ‘The Beatles’

A memory flashed a few days back  . It happened when I was in school. Today I know it was my first experience of misogyny .

 It was a quiz competition and they were mixing teams of two schools to compete for a state level quiz . Winning which was meant to be selected for the next round that was national level. I was selected from my school and on the day of the written quiz I was randomly assigned to team up with a boy from another school. I was very apprehensive about the quiz and initially didn’t notice his discomfort . He was uncooperative through out the the written quiz . I thought he looked down upon my school . But it was the Beatles who would solve this mystery for me .

There was a question about which of the options was a popular musical band. I wasn’t a music buff but I knew the famed Beatles . I told him the right answer but he mocked me and marked the option which said ‘The Lizards ‘. I was chilled out . If you want to lose the quiz so be it . I didn’t argue further as he seemed so annoyed and disgusted with me . 

The results were announced and we obviously didn’t make it due to the lack of teamwork and his insistence on answering every question his own way. I was still ok with the results. But when I saw him complaining to his teacher wildly gesticulating and pointing towards me . It was obvious he was blaming me for losing. It took me some time to understand that he was not looking down on my school . He hated the fact that he was paired up with a girl . He hated me because I am a girl . It was a 12 year old misogynist who I forgot for most of my life but now I know I have met subtle older versions of him over and over . The ones who would chose Lizards instead of Beatles  because how can a girl be right? 

#Day 30:Nek Chand and his Secret Garden

I poured my coffee in a much treasured and unused mug that I had bought at the gift shop of the Rock Garden at Chandigarh some 5 years ago . This was perhaps the first time I allowed myself to use it . It has imprint of the giant rubble peacock at one of the walls . I was afraid of breaking the mug so I let it sit for half a decade . Ironically the Rock Garden finds its art and beauty from broken things . Actually a lot of broken mugs, cups and plates are embedded in  the artworks of that mesmerising place which remained a simple man’s vision , work and secret for a long time before it became a famous tourist spot. 

Nek Chand adorned a secluded part of the city of Chandigarh with art pieces he created from broken discarded material like bangles , crockery , wash basins, tiles , wires and lot more . He saw beauty and positivity in the discarded and the junk . For years, every day after his regular job ,he worked in secrecy single-mindedly without any expectations . It was a beautiful experience visiting the Rock Garden . The news of his passing two years later felt like a personal loss . 

Looking at that beautiful mug today I just stopped to think . In a city designed by Le Corbesier with his amazing architectural talent , lived a humble man who secretly  turned the broken and the junk into a paradise found.